don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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