Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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