Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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