Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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