Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
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