btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
