my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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