can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
