he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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