My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
