life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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