It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
