Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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