Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
