I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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