i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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