She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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