We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize