When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
