i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
