I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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