Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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