dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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