i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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