Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Maybe he injected his testicle?
MIDGETS
????
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
