i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
