The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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