Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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