I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize