I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
