As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
