i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize