I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Are we still banned from the library?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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