it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
