Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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