When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
