Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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