It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize