does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You need Xanax blowdarts
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
