If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
