I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
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