Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
