You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Randomize
