Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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