Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Terrible idea I love it
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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