Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
