So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
