So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
