I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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