I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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