I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
