does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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