I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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