I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
