First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
