hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
