you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
