when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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