there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
