someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
