omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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