Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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