Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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